Monday, February 15, 2010

AVATAR: Second worst movie I have ever heard (the seeing part was stunning)

So, our largest ever rollover Lotto was won on Friday, it was the equivalent to US$11,5 million which is a huge amount of money in anyone’s books. Firstly, just putting it out there that I didn’t win it, naturally I am devastated, HOWEVER it was won by a deaf mute cleaner aged 51 years old from the Western Cape, how fucking cool is that??? Well done, my only question is how did he react? Did he write “FUCK YEAH” on a piece of paper?

NOW, yesterday, we went to see Avatar….now with ALL the hype and the fact that it is now the highest grossing movie in the history of the planet AND the fact that it took Mr. Cameron about 9000 years to complete and write out of the confines and strictures of Hollywood, I was expecting to be dazzled and to come away with the sense that I had seen a glimpse of the future.
Whilst visually stunning, this movie truly is a visual feast of incredible beauty and is truly something to behold, however, I am loath to say this but the script has to be the second worst script I have ever had the misfortune to sit through!! It has now bumped Before Sunrise (admittedly only because it was the most boring, pointless non-entity of a movie I have ever seen, I like to refer to it as a No-Pace Movie), as the second worst movie I have ever seen off its proud perch notoriously sitting pretty above the worst piece of moviemaking in history: BATTLEFIELD EARTH, John Revolting’s 9 million hour scientologist wank-fest pseudo claptrap bore-fest, truly a low-point in the history of humanity. (Oh, and a little side point to you Mr. Travolta and scientologists in general.....thank you for flying in your supplies of food and medical supplies and doctors etc, but FUCK YOU for taking four scintologist priests with you to further fuck up the lives of these poor people with your crap quasi-religion)

Well, why did I hate Avatar, you might ask?? The movie angered the crap out of me, how could someone have labored so long, spent so much money and create a visual masterpiece and then come up with the laziest, cliché ridden “American hero” dumbed down script ever committed to paper. I pity the trees that had to be destroyed to contain the ink that wrote that crap. The acting was terrible, not a believable performance anywhere to be seen, the most believable performance I saw the entire day was the guy who served me ice-cream and coffee before I went to see the movie, he was trying to convince me to give him my ticket so that he could see it in 3D, for that I would have received free coffee, in retrospect I should have caffeined-up instead, at least I would have had a buzz!!

Why oh why did there have to be a hero speech? Why did he crib storylines from elsewhere? The most common consensus is Pocahontas on a different planet, Ferngully has been mentioned, there's also Dances With Smurfs mentioned (thanks Dom, I LOL'ed).

The human relationships were handled shockingly, the hero is one second hated and reviled by Sigourney Weavers character (and I use that term loosely) and in the next scene without any background bonding etc they are like best of frends (forgive my Paris Hiltonism there, I think my brain is still trying to recover from being dumbed down). The editing in the movie was dreadful, now for someone trying to create a labour of love visual masterpiece, why steal so many idea from past. It was like watching a space aged Jurassic Park with visual ideas stolen from Hayao Miyazaki and countless other Manga slabs of awesomeness (naturally Hollywood gets most of their ideas from Japan and the East in general) with the storyline cribbed from the aforementioned (and superior) movies. ALSO, if you are going to spout new age hippie bullshit claptrap at least make it something with depth and back it up as well as develop it.

This movie was like watching two completely disparate movies in one, one was stunning (visually) and one left my brain in a brain-sludged stupor with all the terrible dialogue. The hero was useless, about as believable as Chemical (Comical) Ali claiming defiantly that they were defeating the Americans when it was obvious that they were closing in.

Favourite part of the movie? When the hero (Sam Worthington) shouts out “Oooooh Rarrrrr” on the back of the big dino-birdosaurus thingymabob (not)!! The countless chest-thumping hero (squirm inducing) speeches delivered without any feeling, ALSO WHEN Sam Worthington’s love rival for the chickypoo (whom, I am not sure if anyone noticed, her war paint was the South African flag, HAHAHHAHH) suddenly developed an American accent whilst flying around with a machine gun (or whatever) fighting the evil American Military). ALSO, Sigourney Sigourney Sigourney, WHAT were you thinking??? You are normally so good! And Giovanni Ribisi, you have done nothing to change my viewpoint on your inferior acting skills.

Clunkiest script I have ever heard, some of the worst acting I have ever seen. Really, a shocker of a movie, I for one will be happy if it doesn’t win any awards at all but then that is just wishful thinking. Go to wiki to read the “plot” and all about it and once again, I use the word Plot loosely.

This movie should come with an IQ Restriction, ie those with a higher than average, or even an average IQ should not be allowed to see it as it insults our intelligence and lowers your intelligence rating by a few points. It angered me because it felt like he was taking the piss….16 years in development REALLY Mr. Cameron, you could have come up with something FAR better than “Lets Boogie”! For that and the Oooooh Rarrrr moment you should be tarred and feathered!!!!!

PLEASE don’t make another movie sir, I hated Titanic and I think this is even worse……the only thing that I am thankful about Avatar though is that Celine fucking Dion didn’t do the soundtrack, I think I would have off’ed myself!

I could go on, but I won't...and whilst I am ranting, has anyone other than me also noticed how much Jarred Letto sounds like Enrique Iglesias?? No?? Yes?? In case you haven't worked it out, it's not a compliment......

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